Foreword: This is not being written to gain sympathy, but to write, feel and release. I’m going to type this out and make no revisions, that terrifies me because even in my recipes they generally have ten edited copies if not twenty.
I’ll write this slowly because my Poppy Bo’s passing is so fresh. Grief; to me, feels like having your platelets removed and then flying on an airplane. It feels like your innards have shriveled and there is a suction going on inside of you. Whether it’s grief of a tragic event or the loss of a loved one I feel like grief is the feeling of some life itself being extracted from the body.
Today my family grieves the loss of my mother’s father and I can’t help but feel estranged from him. I’ve only ever lost one other loved one, my mother-in-law, and even that having been a year and a half ago still feels confusing. With both my mother-in-law and my Poppy I’m left with inconclusive relationships because in both circumstances there was emotional distance. One was a lifetime of not knowing a person and then not having the predisposition to move forward as an adult in establishing my own personal connection. The other was a fabulous relationship that turned tumultuous and then was rebuilt slowly but never fully healed. The two circumstances differ drastically, I knew my mother-in-law very well and am still held responsible for our combined-effort in those difficult times so I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be upset over her passing. I shouldn’t feel that way, we lived together at times and shared life events and many sorrows, but I do . As for my poppy the grief doesn’t feel as if it belong to me, but I feel it for the ones that I know to be hurting.
I think God gives us all gifts and for some of us our gifts are to feel. I feel very hard, I feel for others and I feel in a way that brings words out that I don’t always know what to do with and that is why I write (almost never on paper, truthfully I can only get it out accurately through typing). That is also why I pray, its private and personal but know that I pray for everyone I love whether they believe or not.
Today I found myself grieving. I looked up to Heaven and told Poppy Bo that I’m so sorry I never reached out to create a lifetime of memories with you, I will never have that opportunity on this Earth again but starting now I will talk to you in heaven and share my life with you. Relief washed over, I know I won’t hear words back but I will have those feels and know. As for my mother-in-law I still don’t know anything except that we said goodbye in happy times, that I miss you incredibly, and as with my poppy I will live a life of regret knowing if a different path had been carved that I could have saved my own self from sorrow. These life lessons were learned through your deaths, and maybe this feeling of regret is a part of the process of grief but I hope to make changes in my current and future relationships, I’m only sorry that it took ours to understand this importance. With love eternally, Katie.
That’s all, no revisions or edits. Straight to print.