Tuesday, February 7th

7:00am – This morning I woke up with plans, big plans. I was to procrastinate no more, time to go full Monty on chores. Task one: tackling the worlds most boring paperwork, health insurance. I’ve been working on it at a snail’s pace since the sixteenth of January to no avail. Filing taxes was also on the docket, but let’s get real. I would’ve ended up sitting in front of my computer looking productive while actually reading about new trending ingredients and listening to a Joyce Meyer podcast. Don’t misunderstand me, I am fully prepared for tax season with my 1099, profits and loss statement and receipts.. but truth be told I’m 28 years old and have never filed my own taxes. Call it Peter Pan syndrome, I want to be a responsibility-free spirit, forever young. When I turn 100 I hope my face is on a Smucker’s jar, that way when the jar turns up at my funeral party my beloveds can open it and say this raspberry jam is as young and vibrant as Katie ever was. So you can see where this day was headed, I planned to successfully do grown up things.

8:05am – JoeBear barfs (what I can only assume was chocolate milk) on my shag rug. Do you have a shag rug? You’ve at least seen one though right, it may have been way back in 1970 but pull the image out of the catacombs of Elvis Presley’s estate and take a walk with me. There’s nothing quite like watching chunks dispersing evenly across a plush gray rug of two-inch long shag yarn, I actually think that in that moment the world was in slo-mo.  Then, I look three inches to the right of him an see an empty rubbermaid storage bin. Sometimes I wonder why fate and chance hate me.

8:06am – Take heart dear friends because it get’s better. While Joey is entering barf town Nate starts squealing like a pig in heat. I hear one loud POOF and liquid shit runs out the sides of his diaper onto berber carpeting. At six feet away I could smell it before I could see it. And what’s the obvious response for an almost-two year old liquid-shitting on the carpet? Clearly to puddle stomp it like you’re Gene Kelly “just singing in the rain”. Liquified poops EV-ERR-Y-WHERE.

8:07am – My mind freaking EXPLODES.

The day goes on in this manner. I’ll spare the specs but there were two more rug incidents. Alas, BOTH children fell asleep for an extended nap. Upon waking they took their second bath of the day, because feces.My sense of home cleanliness is forever lost.

Did I mention we watched Trolls six times in the last 36 hours since purchasing it on the AppleTV, six times from Beginning-To-End-Credits. This trollies movie feels eerily similar to Frozen. It’s going to sweep the nations youth into a frenzy, it’s adorable and a miniature human cult following is on the rise.  We adults can expect to be brow beaten into watching it endlessly and will find ourselves alone singing these songs in the shower.

So in closing, today was the flu Olympics in the Bonzer household and at the medals ceremony was a delivery of Large pepperoni pizza with no sauce, charcoal-sugar-scrub face mask, and a freshly cracked box of Botta Chardonnay. Mommy needed her wine after bedtime! Oh, and I managed to finish our health insurance docs, so that’s huge. Children of mine, feel free to act as the wild mongrels you so choose because we can now go to the emergency if need be!

Last on my list was to write, write anything. A blog post, a journal entry, a prayer request. Just write, and here I am. The day was liberated from my to-do list by two little pukers and poopers but it turned out fine. It even somehow acquiesced to my original plans without having to stress the tasks, imagine that! Just another day in paradise I suppose.

Until next time folks, thanks for reading. (& Pardon my french for “shit” sneaking in the blog post, the term’s not pretty but neither is my carpet anymore, so there’s that.)

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